Jun 7 - I’d Like to Share a Secret

It seems that every day I’m confronted with some new philosophical revelation about the nature of life and how grateful I am to be alive on Planet Earth at this moment. I felt greatly moved, just minutes before typing this, because I am surrounded by beating hearts. Hearts that thump with a rhythm and allow my friends and family to take steps and speak words and write texts. I am so grateful that I am surrounded by beating hearts!

BUT, here’s the secret I would like to share: I am thankful beyond words that my brother’s heart stopped beating in less than a minute. It happened so quickly, so suddenly, that none of us had time to prepare. We could not have anticipated our lives moving so drastically into sadness in such a short period of time.

BUT, that means that we did not have to endure the torture of days, weeks, and months of waiting. We did not have to live a false hope that he might have recovered from some illness that would eventually take him all the same. We were able to know him — even the day of his passing — as the fully-fledged and able-minded Brandon that we loved. It feels cruel in some respects to say that, but I do believe it.

As I sit here this morning drinking a beer (And, yes, I’m serious)…

I cannot help but think about Brandon’s beating heart, and how much I wish it were beating beside mine. It’s all very maudlin; I know, yet I am grateful. I am grateful for two decades with my brother and all the beers we drank after I turned 21. I’m grateful for every laugh and smile and for every harsh word and insult. I’m grateful our relationship came in many shades. I’m grateful Brandon’s heart beat in the same world as my own, and I am grateful that the cadence that marked his time in life stopped suddenly and did not slip with agonizing slowness through my fingers.