The Day I Decided Not to Think About It

We’ll call it irony. Cruel irony. The other day, I had gotten tired of thinking about death. I felt like I was breathing in an endless loop of recycled air. I felt like I was suffocating in the staleness of my grief and that I had to get out, even if only for a single day. I decided that I wasn’t going to think about it.

I wasn’t going to think about my brother that day. I was going to watch some Netflix, read a book, take a walk; and I was going to force blissful ignorance upon my mind. If I started to think about Brandon, I’d change course and distract myself. I’ve been reliably informed that the modern world is full of distractions.

I was sitting down in my apartment eating a snack and watching Netflix. My plan was moving along well, I thought. I saw that my family’s group text was starting to get active, so I casually looked at my phone. Emily was engaged.

And suddenly I was thinking about it. I was crushed beneath the irony of the situation. I was gaining a brother. Lincoln would become a full-fledged member of the clan. How great. I’d have another brother. Which is fine. I just lost one. I had a space open for a new one. One brother out. Another brother in.

These thoughts ran through my mind quickly, and I didn’t have time to catch my breath or reason with myself. Of course Lincoln wasn’t replacing Brandon. This moment was a happy one because Emily and Lincoln love each other and deserved to be together. Hell, I love Lincoln, too…we all do. It’s just that this perspective that comes with rational thought was silenced in the roar of emotion I felt at that moment. I collapsed in tears and started choking for air.

Lincoln had planned on proposing the week after Brandon had died, Spring Break. He put it off because Emily needed time, and so did he. The two of us were driving somewhere together a couple of months ago, chatting about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. He said that he regretted not telling Brandon that he was planning on proposing to Emily over Spring Break. My heart broke for the guy.

With a few more days under my belt, I am feeling better. I am truly joyed that my sister is getting married and that we can officially welcome Lincoln into this sometimes dysfunctional family. He’s a brave man.