Jul 24 - It’s Been a While

The title says it all, doesn’t it? I haven’t been writing here as much as I would like, but I have good reasons.

First of all, it’s emotionally draining to write things here. It takes energy and more, ever more energy to bleed onto a page; it wrings out the soul, and I’m not sure I have the fortitude to do that every day. When it’s all over, I am on the page while the physical body on the other side of the screen is a husk that could blow away with the wind. Though I suppose that might very well be half the point.

But, the more time I spend in my world trying to work through my thoughts, the more I am convinced that I should be emptying myself here.

The largest reason that I have stayed away from posting is one that I hate. Keep this shit to yourself…My mother and sister-in-law are leeches. They are sucking the life from me, and I am not sure what to do but slit my own wrists to help them. I am full up on hearing their grief; I am overflowing with their hurt. It’s terrible, but I cannot breathe. They have burned through all of the emotional oxygen in my house, with (it seems to me) little consideration for those of us around them.

AND HERE IS THE REAL RUB — shouldn’t they be able to? I cannot imagine a spouse’s grief. I just cannot. And I cannot even begin to fathom what a mother’s grief might be. I am a graduate student with a large vocabulary, intelligence, and grief always on my mind, and I cannot place myself at the starting point for what my mother must feel. Brooke and Sonya should be able to mourn as they see fit.

Yet all of that does not change the fact that I feel like a draining bathtub around them some days…most days. I walk into a room and hear sniffs, see red eyes, feel the gloom. All at once the plug is pulled, and the water begins swirling down the pipes, carried off to God knows where.

I’ve talked quite a bit with my friend Rodney about this feeling. During our most recent conversation, I said these words: “I look at them and think, ‘This is not how humans are meant to live.’” That’s a powerful statement. This is not how humans are meant to live.

AS A CHRISTIAN I have in my very core a hope and belief that everything that exits is going somewhere. That the most expansive clusters of galaxies are being redeemed. That the quarks held together by gluons are being redeemed. That the lizard bathing in the sun is being redeemed. That I and you and Brooke and Sonya and my brother are being redeemed. In light of that, how can I choose to embrace the cloud that follows me? How can I decide that my grief is something that I will indulge? I can’t. But it seems like Brooke and Sonya are doing just that.

But Judi says you cannot legislate grief. I agree.
But Rodney says Brooke and Sonya should be on a schedule and getting out of the house. I agree.
But Stogey says that if they can’t do it; they can’t do it. I agree.
But Chad says that Brandon would be sad about how they are handling things. I agree.
But Jesus says to be compassionate. I agree.
But God says to be just. I agree.

And Ethan is stuck here on the tail end of more cognitive dissonance than he can handle. To me, this all seems simple. If you’re feeling terrible and frustrated, try to fix the problems. I don’t understand the motivations or ideas that lead to “just experiencing emotion” becoming the goal. It’s a journey through grief, right? Not a single spot where you sit. I’m probably being drastically unfair in all of this, but I cannot see what I cannot see. And is grinding my emotional axe here truly different from what Brooke and Sonya are doing? I think not.